Itachis Journal
by Violet Trancy
Summary: Itachi writes about what he goes through with Sasuke growing up. Written as his POV. Rated M for slight yaoi, some foul language, mentions of eating disorders and cutting and just to be safe!


My name is Itachi Uchiha and I love my brother. I'm not sure when I started feeling this way; maybe I always have, but haven't noticed it until now.

I remember the day he was born like it had just happened yesterday; July 23. It was unbearably hot and mom was switching between complaining about the heat, to how strange she was feeling. Mom started screaming at dad to take her to the hospital; I didn't understand what was happening until dad explained that I was going to meet my baby brother today. My feelings quickly changed from the fear, to excitement.

Leaving behind all questions about how the baby seed mom ate grew into a baby so fast and how it was going to get out; I was too focused on how fast dad was driving and how he was screaming into his phone, saying today's defiantly the day!

Everyone was waiting for us when we got to the hospital; the doctors and nurses took mom and dad away, so I stayed in the waiting room with everyone else. We sat there for so long that I started to worry; _what if something bad happened to mom and baby brother? _

Finally, after a few more minutes, the doctors let us into the room. And there he was. I hurried over to check and see if mom and the baby were ok. I don't know why I was so scared; mom and dad were smiling.

I leaned over the bed and couldn't believe someone could be so small. He was wrapped in a blue blanket; eyes closed and hardly any hair on his head. "Itachi, meet your baby brother, Sasuke."

_Sasuke. _In that moment; I promised myself that I would always protect him; no matter what.

Skip ahead eight months; Sasuke was learning how to crawl. He hadn't quite mastered it and pouted when he couldn't get it right. I couldn't help but laugh at his "pouty face." Playing with him on the floor usually brought back his smile; he was such a happy baby.

I couldn't understand why mom and dad wouldn't let me pick him up. I'd seen them do it a thousand times, how hard could it be? He was playing in the floor and I wanted him up on the couch with me. I tried picking him up the same way mom and dad did, but I messed up. I dropped him.

Thank god he wasn't hurt, but the fall had scared him; he started screaming, drawing in mom and dad. "What did you do?!" Dad shouted at me while mom picked Sasuke up.

"I just wanted to hold him," my voice came out weak.

"We told you not to!" Dad continued to shout.

"It's ok, he's just scared."

Sasuke was clinging to mom like she was his lifeline; his eyes were wide and staring right at me. That look instantly shattered my heart. I could handle dad screaming at me, but that look on Sasuke's face, one of absolute fear made me want to punch myself. _How could I have been so stupid? _

"Come with me," mom said and I followed her to Sasuke's room. She motioned for me to sit in the rocking chair in the corner; carefully, she placed him into my arms. Showing me how Sasuke was supposed to be held. "He's really scared of you right now; talk to him, rock him; let him know that he'll be safe with you." Before I could say anything, she left.

Sasuke kicked and screamed; what I assumed would be his attempt to get away from me. "Please stop crying, Sasuke, I didn't mean to hurt you." He continued to cry. "I don't know what to do; what do I have to do to make everything ok again?" Now, I was crying. I'd promised myself I'd protect him; here he was crying because of something I did. I hurt him and it was killing me inside.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please don't hate me, Sasuke!" It took a few more minutes for me to realize that I was the only one crying. "S…Sasuke?" I used my free hand to wipe the tears from my face. Sasuke was staring at me with big, dark and confused eyes. "Do you still love me?" Sasuke half smiled-half yawned. I decided to sing him the same lullaby mom used to sing to me.

_little child, be not afraid_

_though rain pounds harshly against the glass_

_like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger_

_I am here tonight_

_for you know, once even I was a_

_little child, and I was afraid_

_but a gentle someone always came_

_to dry all my tears, trade sweet sleep for fears_

_and to give a kiss goodnight_

_well now I am grown_

_and these years have shown_

_that rain's a part of how life goes_

_but it's dark and it's late_

_so I'll hold you and wait_

_'til your frightened eyes do close_

He fell asleep almost instantly; right there in my arms. I was amazed; just like I was eight months ago, when I first met him, I couldn't believe someone could be this small, this perfect.

Sasuke was now a happy seven year old. He loved being at school and playing with his closest friends; Naruto, Kiba and Rock Lee. Dad even let them stay for dinner once, but I doubt that will happen again after Naruto accidently broke a very expensive vase.

"Mommy! Daddy! Nii san!" Sasuke burst through the front door scaring all three of us. "Look at this; look what Sensei gave me!" Sasuke was holding two pieces of paper; he handed one of them to dad who stared intently at whatever was written.

He smiled; dad actually smiled! Anyone who knows my dad knows that he is a very serious man who is never satisfied with someone doing their best; "there is no such thing, you can always do better." _He's smiling, the world must be ending! _

"Good job, son," he said before handing the paper to mom. I stared over her shoulder and saw that it was Sasuke's grade card. A straight A student! I shouldn't be too surprised; the Uchiha family is known for their intelligence.

"I'm so proud of you!" Mom squealed and pulled Sasuke into a crushing hug.

When she finally let go of him, Sasuke held up the second piece of paper. "We had centers today and it was my groups turn to color. I was in Hinata's and Shino's group. He drew a picture of a really big tree, Hinata drew a puppy and a kitty and I drew this!" He handed me the paper. It was a drawing of our family standing in front of the house holding hands. "I drew it for you, nii san; do you like it? Sensei helped me write everyone's names."

The words were scribbled above each person's head; _daddy, mommy, nii san, me. _I smiled and stood up; Sasuke giving me a funny look as I went into the kitchen with his drawing. I grabbed a magnet and hung it on the refrigerator. "Now, everyone can see it."

Sasuke smiled and hugged me tight, "I love you nii san."

Every time Sasuke said those words it made me beyond happy; "I love you too."

That night, mom let Sasuke pick what we had for dinner; to celebrate his good grades. None of us were surprised when he said chicken nuggets with macaroni and cheese. Of all the foods he could choose from, he picks that. I swear he could live off of macaroni and cheese, but we weren't complaining. Everyone sat around the table; talking, laughing and telling stories; making us feel welcome in each other's lives. I loved that feeling and never wanted to let go of it.

Sasuke went to bed around eight; mom, dad and I stayed up until midnight, watching TV. The storm started about thirty minutes after I went to bed. Tiny footsteps and my bedroom door opening drew me out of sleep; "nii san?"

I groaned, "what is it Sasuke?"

"I…I don't like this storm; can I sleep in your bed tonight?"

I moved over; Sasuke jumped into bed and buried his face in my chest; he was shaking. "It's just a storm, why are you so scared?" I asked.

Lightning lit up my entire room, the thunder following shook the house. I felt Sasuke's body tense up; "I don't like the noise."

I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed his back; "go to sleep. I promise nothing will happen."

He nodded; "you're warm nii san." Sasuke mumbled in a sleepy voice. I don't know why, but that random comment made me feel weird. Not a bad weird; it made me feel good inside; something I'd never experienced and I loved it.

I continued to rub his back and; I don't know why, but I started singing the same lullaby I used to sing to him when he was a baby.

_ little child, be not afraid_

_though rain pounds harshly against the glass_

_like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger_

_I am here tonight_

_for you know, once even I was a_

_little child, and I was afraid_

_but a gentle someone always came_

_to dry all my tears, trade sweet sleep for fears_

_and to give a kiss goodnight_

_well now I am grown_

_and these years have shown_

_that rain's a part of how life goes_

_but it's dark and it's late_

_so I'll hold you and wait_

_'til your frightened eyes do close_

This happened every time it rained or if Sasuke had a bad dream; he'd come into my room, get in bed with me and I'd sing to him until he fell asleep. Even when he started middle school he'd get in bed with me. Not that I'm complaining; maybe this is when I fell in love with Sasuke. This time in our lives; watching Sasuke grow up and graduate from middle school were the happiest moments we spent as a family; our home was filled with smiles and happiness.

And in an instant, it was torn away.

Mom and dad sent me to the store to pick up a few things for dinner; if only I'd walked instead of taking my car, I wouldn't have gotten stuck in traffic. If I hadn't stopped to give Shisui a ride home; I could've saved them.

I'll never forget the blazing inferno that overtook my home. I abandoned my car halfway down the street and ran toward the crowd of firemen; "where's my mom? Where's my dad? Where's my brother?" I screamed at one of the men standing by.

"We've sent firemen inside; your family is going to be fine."

"No!" I ran toward the fire; it took three men to hold me back. "Let me go! Mom! Dad! Sasuke!"

It was drizzling at the funeral; I bit my lip and kept my pain inside; the sky was crying for me. Sasuke was standing next to me; squeezing my hand and letting his tears fall. He'd only suffered from mild smoke inhalation; thank god he is still with me. He's all I have left in this world.

I rented a two bedroom apartment and insisted Sasuke live with me. Slowly, we moved on, but things were far from normal. Sasuke stopped opening up to me; if he wasn't at school he was in his room. I'd never felt so alone.

Months went by and that's when it finally registered in my head what was really happening to Sasuke. When_ had he started wearing long sleeves? _Sasuke hated long sleeves; even during winter he refused to wear even a thin jacket. I couldn't remember when that started. _When was the last time he sat down and ate with me?...When was the last time I saw him eat anything? _I couldn't remember.

_Why am I so damn clueless?! _I hurried to Sasuke's room and threw open the door. He jumped. "What are you doing?"

"N…nothing," his voice wavered.

"What are you hiding?"

"Nothing."

Knowing he was lying, I moved so I could see his face and get the truth out of him; the sight in front of me was horrifying. Sasuke was holding a box cutter; his sleeves had been rolled up and were exposing small cuts all over his arms. Some were bleeding, some had scabbed over and some had faded into scars.

I snatched the box cutter and glared at him, "don't you dare move." I hurried to the bathroom to find something to wrap his arms with. I wasn't angry with him; I was angry at myself for not noticing this sooner. I went back to his room with gauze and medical tape; the room was silent, except for the whimpers coming from Sasuke.

"Have you been doing this to other parts of your body?" I asked. He nodded. "Show me; I don't care if you have to strip completely naked; I want to see every mark!" Sasuke continued to cry as he removed his shirt and pulled his pants down so they were resting below his hips.

Tears slipped down my cheeks as I ran my hands over the scars covering his unnaturally thin body; "why? Why are you doing this?"

Sasuke hugged me tight and pulled me backwards so we were sitting next to each other on his bed. He looked at me with puffy eyes; "I lost my appetite after mom and dad died. Food started to make me feel sick, so I ate less and less, until I completely stopped. I hurt, but no matter what I did, I wouldn't get better. I read that if you cut yourself, it would make the pain stop; I tried it and it worked, but only for a few minutes. I didn't mean for things to get this bad; I'm addicted to how cutting makes me feel. Please help me nii san; I don't want to do this; I don't want to be sad anymore."

I silently cursed whoever wrote that cutting yourself is a way to stop pain. I wrapped my arms around him and cried into his shoulder, "I promise I'll help you get better; I love you, Sasuke."

"I love you too, nii san."

Sasuke left to see counselors for his cutting addiction and his eating disorder while I talked with multiple people who explained how I could help him recover. Time passed slowly in my empty apartment, but I managed to get everything ready in time for when Sasuke would come home.

I can't explain the wonderful feeling that spread though my body when I saw Sasuke for the first time in so long. He was smiling a true smile at me; the smile I missed. "Nii san!" He ran into my arms, "I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too; are you ready to come home?" He nodded and stared at me with eyes filled with light. I let happy tears escape my eyes.

"You're crying," Sasuke wiped my tears away.

"I'm just so happy to see you."

I kept a close eye on Sasuke for almost two years after his recovery; I made sure he ate and I talked with his teachers about how he was doing at school. His grades had improved from barely passing, to straight A. He even re connected with his best friends; Naruto, Kiba and Lee. He ended up graduating at the top of his class; I couldn't be more proud! The dark times in our lives were over.

A few weeks after graduation it stormed; the worst storm we'd had in a long time. Two in the morning lightning lit up our small apartment; loud thunder following. I heard Sasuke run toward my bedroom door. "Nii san, can I sleep in here?"

I sat up and looked at him; shirtless and wearing sweatpants that were obviously too big for him. I smiled; "you don't have to ask, just get in bed with me."

He hurried and snuggled up under the blankets; "I love you nii san." He whispered into my chest.

"I love you too."

"How much?"

That question caught me off guard; "what?"

"Show me how much you love me." His voice a little louder this time.

I sat up, pulling him with me so we were face to face. My body moved on its own and I kissed his cheek, dangerously close to his lips. "That's how much." I whispered after pulling away.

I didn't expect what happened next; Sasuke leaned in and kissed me on the lips. He was stiff and shaking; obviously this was his first kiss. He pulled away and looked at me, embarrassed, "is it disgusting that I love you that much and that I like kissing you?"

I gave him a sincere smile, "it's not disgusting; I'll show you how you're supposed to kiss someone you love." I grazed my fingers over his cheek and slowly pulled him toward me until our lips were connected again. Sasuke was still nervous, so I moved my hand from his cheek down to his sides and chest. Finally, he allowed me to deepen our kiss.

My hands were all over him; his hands were all over me; we committed the ultimate sin that night and for a brief minute, I remembered that Sasuke was my younger brother. I shouldn't be dong such things with him! But that thought left my mind as quickly as it came; he wasn't just my brother, he's someone I love deeply; the only person I want to do things like this with.

After spending multiple nights like this with him, we decided to move into a one bedroom apartment, so we could create more moments like this one.

My name is Itachi Uchiha and I am IN love with my brother.


End file.
